I am unapologetically myself. For me, this means I accept who I am with my faults and strengths and reflect on myself to reach the person I want to be. In the past, I have relied on many things to shape myself. These have included friends, family, boyfriends, mental illness and medicating. At present, I now rely on the instincts within me to shape who I am today. While this is based off of the teachings throughout my eighteen years, it is now predominantly self reflection that guides me.
One of the main factors of why I started living by ‘unapologetically Molly’ was because I was aiming to reach the perfection that I believed others wanted me to be. As well as this, it was also to match the people I had placed on a pedestal in my mind. After years of striving to be other people’s best I reached the conclusion that I simply needed be my best. And, if my best at any present moment happened to be my worst – that was more than ok.
At the moment, I’m beginning to once again sink into the abyss. I’m keeping my head above water as well as I can through diet, exercise and sleep but I’m slipping just that smidge too much. My brain is toing and froing the friendships and relationships I currently have. I think this is due to the fact that we are nearing the new year and a new space in life and I feel that if I continue on the thread that I have been I will become someone that is not who I am supposed to be.
Because of this, I have to make some pretty tough decisions that are weighing down my mind greatly. While at this fragile time I am also in the midst of starting new activities and relationships that seem right and fill me with a renewed vigour. Perhaps this is simply due to the fact I am opening up different parts of myself yet to be reached before.
As I live and love those around me I have realised that I am bending over backwards to try and please and console others. Leaving a shell of myself behind. As I move into this new space in time I can feel this part of me struggling and beginning to feel guilty as my inner self is trying to work on itself for a change and branch out and so, that part of me is a great weight.
It is curious the way that my mind continues to work through these problems and as it would seem, sometimes it simply doesn’t want to do this. It is something a new friend said to me that highlights this:
The brain is the enemy.
To expand on this; the brain is the enemy because it sends you signals that want what is sometimes not best for you. It drags you down and tells you to give up, that you don’t want to do this, to do dangerous things, to feel pleasure that sometimes should not be felt.
So if our brain, our primary organ that is supposed to run our body is the enemy, who is the ally? Our other organs simply receive, it is the brain that runs the show – or is it? I have reached a point where my brain tells me not to do things, to not do the exercise I know will be good for me, to not meet with the people that I know will help me. Yet, still I do these things because there is something else pushing and driving me. I honestly believe this is the soul.
My soul cries out for me to do the things that it knows will help me, that it knows will help me rise and succeed in life. It constantly engages into battles with my brain. I want this no more. I need my brain and soul to work together cohesively instead of the constant brawling.
Engaging the mind and soul together doesn’t even sound easy. So, if it doesn’t even sound easy how am I expected to manage it?! I suppose the best thing I can do is try. Try to rationally manage what I ‘should’ be doing (although I have been told by many mental health professionals NEVER to should), with what my soul calls me to do. Afterall, what we should be doing is often what our minds have been conditioned by society to think and do. Sometimes, there is nothing wrong with these shoulds yet, there are times when these shoulds do not match with who we are or desire to be. I believe it is about finding the balance between these self-approved ‘shoulds’ and our internal compasses.
Today I will leave it at that, until next time xox