I keep on trying to write, to express this one particular feeling but every time I try, it becomes ugly. Not ugly from bad writing or incorrect spelling or grammar. But ugly in the sense that its nasty and borders on hateful.
It’s as though I have this piece of food stuck in my throat that’s just too painful and repulsive to swallow. I hate feeling this way. But, it’s a feeling that’s been steadily growing stronger over time. It’s impacted my writing because the people that have contributed (as well as my own thoughts and external circumstances) that these feelings have stemmed from may very well read this. I’m not afraid of letting them know I feel this way because I already have let them know in person instead, I’m ashamed that this feeling has taken over my thoughts so much so that it’s reached this ugly state. Because of this, my brain won’t let me write anything else, this is my next piece of writing and it can’t be anything else.
If I were to visualize these ugly emotions I talk about, I picture a black beast swirling with energy or a glass orb with black energy threatening to spike outwards, shattering the casing. It’s a violent picture.
I’m at the point where I’m changing my behaviour so that these thoughts no longer materialise but, that doesn’t stop the already existent, ever present ugliness from surfacing. It’s bitter and possesses a vengeance that doesn’t often surface in me. The problem is, who I am doesn’t let the monster fully free – I admit, it sneaks through sometimes – however, the full brunt of it never occurs leaving behind the remainders that plague everything.
I’m at a loss. These feelings exist, are unresolved and frankly, I don’t know how to make them go away. I’ve confronted the causes, and can’t think of another way to exterminate these thoughts.
Even now I’m huffing from frustration that the weight of these thoughts have on my mind. I thought writing this would help me find answers but it’s just bring up accusations that don’t belong where I’m putting them. I feel this way yes, apart from the fact that I as the connecting party must also take responsibility.
It’s a constant fight between the two. If I feel this way but accept that I am at fault as well, surely it should melt away as other thoughts such as these have?
It would seem not.
The only explanation I could possibly give is that there are just too many instances with too many people that have occurred to simply accept and move on. If this is the case, once again, I don’t know where to go from here.
Am I supposed to change who I am?
Not me that’s for sure…
Until next time,
A slightly lost but still, very much so