Featured

Our Walk Home

I wrote this poem walking home from work one night after hearing about the differences in measures that men and women use to keep themselves safe at night. 


200. 
200 metres until I reach the place I call my own,
Home.
Guardian gum stands tall out front, my mark for exhalation. 
But before I reassure I count. 
3. 2. 1. 
Be assertive, be aware, be prepared. 
3,
3 minutes of tiptoeing and breath holding,
Pushing shoulders back, head held high confident stride
Look left right forward behind
Pushing shoulders back, head held high confident stride
Look left right forward behind before every turn
2,
2 street lamps on timers. 
Cars swinging slowly round corners,
Does in headlights afraid to be the next Jane Doe;
lying cold in a ditch, eyes wide to the moon
1. 
1 woman in fear told, 
Don’t walk alone at night. 
3. 2. 1. 
Be assertive, be aware, be prepared. 
But its 5:30 in winter,
Already the sky shrouded in darkness
and I’m just walking home from work. 
The cool metal of my keys pressed hard against my 
White, white knuckles
Location shared, whistle prepared
3. 2. 1. 
3
3 recommendations on keeping yourself safe at night.
3
3 more things to worry about that you shouldn’t have to. 
2
2 times I have consoled. 
2
2 times where I have felt powerless and truly felt hate. 
1
1 problem.
1
1 problem that starts and ends with one. 
1
1 demon in the dark that should know better. 
200. 
200 metres away from home
But right now it feels like 200 million,
That’s the reality of where we are. 
We walk in fear and can’t come forward
Because who would believe us?
What evidence is left?
To those who think that this is okay, 
Give it a fucking rest. 

Featured

The Here and Now

Being present. 

Being present can be hard. It’s a skill that takes time to learn and requires constant vigilance to maintain. However, it is one that is quite essential to extract the most out of life. Bringing yourself to the present is grounding. It sends you into the here and now, and allows you to stop thinking about the past and future. With it, you are able to focus on what is right in front of you, rather than what has been or could be.

Don’t be mistaken. There is nothing wrong with revisiting the past. In fact, it is often essential to look back to learn for the future. Sometimes though, you get stuck on particular moments and can’t seem to let go. Its the same with the future too. You ‘what if’, fantasize and worry about the unknowns ahead of you. These are often the moments that you stress about. Maybe that particular unknown seems too unpredictable. Or, that past moment still feels unresolved, no matter how hard you try to puzzle it out. The difficulty is, they may never be solved. You may never be able to revisit that moment and understand it or to predict that perfect future correctly.

So, why pour all that energy into it? 

You run through multiple scenarios of how you could’ve acted differently and whether that would have changed things. But in the end? It wasn’t going to change anything. The past is still the same, and you’ve just spent the past few months wondering how something could have been. This is why learning how to be present is so crucial.

How do you stay present? 

Its easy enough to want to be present. It sounds great, not focusing on the faux pas of the past or worrying about the uncertainty of the future. But, it is much harder in practice. Your mind wanders constantly. You have been taught by television, advertising and essentially everything around you to think at a pace of one hundred miles an hour.  With this conditioning its hard to break out of the continuous thought cycle. Hard, but not impossible.

The first step is to learn to breath. Simple right? You let yourself get carried away with flying thoughts that twist and turn about. Take a break from these. Close down your eyes and have a little breather. Just focus on one thing, and that’s your breath. Make it a nice, deep breath through your nose and count to three. Exhale slowly through your mouth and relax your body with it. Next? Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

As you repeat your breaths, take in and consider how you are feeling in this moment. Right here, right now. If you’re stressed, sad, happy, tired – it doesn’t matter, just observe and acknowledge it. Because that is how you are in this present time. And that’s okay. This is called bearing witness. The idea is to identify how you feel but not focus on it. Its not something you need to hang on to, but it is something to be aware of.

Now,

Let Go.

You’ve identified how you’re feeling in the moment. Seen and acknowledged it. The key part now is to let go of it. Whatever you’re feeling pass it by and take another breath.

Featured

The Balance Point

Balance is difficult to achieve but a necessity for the everyday. It surfaces in relationships, mental health, diet, exercise and much more.

Without it, we either become overwhelmed and tired or frustrated and bored.

Connectivity is a key part of balance:

– body and soul

-soul and mind

Not just to yourself but also, the people around you

It’s a never ending push and pull. At the moment, I’m really working on this whole core rhythm of balance. I was going to say ideal but it’s more of a rhythm that everything seems to beat to.

To have strength in balance you really need to listen to yourself. Recognise what you want and also what you need. See, what you want and what you need. Those two are especially integral to self and life balance. Because what you need isn’t necessarily what you want yet sometimes it is the other way round.

A good word to use would be triggers but it’s definitely not the best. Because you have to find what triggers the need for balance but I think that triggers implies an already off balance of thought process.

My best word to use would be compromise because you’re finding that balance point where you’re about to take off and fly but you’re compromising by being still firmly on the ground.

At the moment, the focus point for my balance goal has been to keep to the present. I’ve been struggling by looking too much to the past and what I’ve previously experienced or done as well as looking too much into the future and creating who I think I should be. In my compromise for balance, I’m committing to staying present in every moment and actually letting it play out rather than either comparing it to something from my past or trying to look ahead to the future.

I’m already seeing results from using compromise as my focus both in myself, my actually day to day life as well as my relationships with those around me. I’m excited to continue to work on this as I know it’s something I’m already going to carry with me most likely for the rest of my life.

Always up for a discussion and always,

Unapologetically Molly xx

Homes Blackout Collection

A bit of black out poetry for all you poetry people out there. Black out poetry is where you create a poem using the words from an already created text. For these, I used a homes magazine. I’ve written the completed poem out next to the photo of the original. Enjoy! 


Intricately patterned recurring light,
Shade and sense drawing outside into the living. 


Catholic church,
a landmark on the island
Stone draws inspiration from the watch that stretches the head.
Sustain this natural priority
Age and weather,
Need. Require power. 
OUT 
Careful of breezes and orientation
Critical work no exception. 


Completely ignored surrounds
Carving openings in rooms onto this serene land
Series of light wells allowed dark,
Light can flow from openings in walls.  



Boasts brief time,
Sit.
Highlight the narrative
Approach,
Chosen to recede.


Separated and serenely self contained
Still in reach of the void.
Carried by work,
the time to understand
Intent of each makes easy work
Deep and consistent,
Quality commitment producing a very big heart. 


Existing for the majority.
Reworking, adapting
To give more
To take advantage
Converted covers. 
Privacy.
The former replaced – 
hidden space.
Focus conceals Blinds sun to give a sense of light and warmth
The result?
Better


Light my fire. 
Fire radiant, 
New.
Hot. 

First published in Baby Teeth Journal 2019.

Written By: Molly St John Mosse

Talk Is Cheap

Talk is cheap, if you truly mean something, do something to show it.

Everyone does this, it’s impossible not to. Regardless though, people need to start to take responsibility for the words they say. Or better yet, show the action first and then back it up with words.

You’re my friend? Prove it.

You say you love me? Show it.

You’re sorry? Prove it.

You want to be better? Show it.

You may think this sounds harsh or you might agree with me. The bottom line is, I’m tired of people (myself included) saying they feel or want to be a certain thing.

It’s all very well and good to say something and mean it but, the person on the otherside has no idea whether these are just words. And the majority of the time, they are just that, words. Letters jumbled together on paper or articulations of sound grouped together that are supposed to mean something.

They say the pen is mightier than the sword. Yet, if what the pen writes out isn’t followed through with then the pens no bloody good is it?

It’s like if a treaty is signed by two countrys and then one goes to war with the other anyway. That treaty and time spent on it was just useless.

It isn’t sustainable. The thought process to give empty words with no intention behind them just causes relationships to crumble. Actions are real instances that can build foundations rather than send them tumbling.

Check yourself right now. Do you use your words to support and strengthen your actions or do you use them in place of actions?

You may not have even realised you think this way, I didn’t that’s for sure. But with time, I noticed others doing it to me and I didn’t like it. It’s not nice, it’s not good, it’s not fair. From then, I decided to try my best not do that to others.

Think about the process this way,

I want to show I love this person.

I invest time and effort into them through cooking them dinner and watching a movie with them. I wash up for them. I listen to them. I help them with a problem. I comfort them when they are sad. I show physical affection for them.

I tell them I love them.

In this process you’ve done the action and then backed it up with words. The actions that you’ve shown reaffirm the words that you’ve said. You’ve shown them your love.

The flip side example could be,

Saying you’re their friend.

You say your are their friend and that you love and care for them. You don’t spend time with them, you don’t follow through on past words, you don’t support them.

The fact that you’ve said you are their friend doesn’t make it so.

Think about it through science, a scientist has a theory. Before this theory is accepted as scientific law it has to be proven. Otherwise the theory is just words.

If you’re realising you’ve just used words in the past and it’s affected a relationship don’t worry, it’s not too late. That’s the thing about actions. If you continue to show how you feel with actions, over time they heal relationship wounds. With actions you show you can change.

Try to heal a relationship with words though?

You’re just doing the same thing and will end up right where you started.

The take off from this?

  • Start using actions as your feelings and back them up with words later.
  • Go back and right any wrongs with actions rather than words even if it takes multiple tries. *

*If at first you don’t suceed try, try again.

If your talk is cheap, start to make it worth something.

As Always,

Unapologetically Molly

My End Game:Practically Non Existent

Many people struggle with the end goal, they survive the day to day but don’t necessarily picture their end go. I’m one of them.

For many years I’ve lived my life on experience, for experiences. I simply lived day to day trying to find new things that I hadn’t yet done. What can I say? I’m a curious soul.

I don’t have a great want for money. I like money and things but, overall I don’t particularly align my goals with an end goal for money. Heck, right now I have no end game. I don’t know what or who I want to be in 1,5 or 10 years. I want to go to uni to learn, not improve my career.

So, at this point:

– I don’t have an end game for money or possessions

– I only want to go to uni for the point of learning

– I’m a curious soul

– I have no idea who or where I want to be in the future

Right now, I work for a construction company, am doing a course to be a safety officer and live with my parents meaning, I work Monday – Friday with weekends and nights off.

Let’s align this with my current ‘goals’:

– No end game for money or possessions (earning enough with extra on the side)

– Uni is only for learning (currently learning and studying to be a safety officer)

– I’m a curious soul (currently still have spare time to be a curious soul)

– I have no idea who or where I want to be in the future (currently doing stuff that improves myself and my professional self)

I mean, according to my current goals (if you can even call them that), I’m right on track?

Do I need to figure out who or where I want to be?

I’m honestly not sure, but right now I think I’m doing ok.

Let’s leave the uni and life review for another 4.5 months shall we?

Taken for Granted

I keep on trying to write, to express this one particular feeling but every time I try, it becomes ugly. Not ugly from bad writing or incorrect spelling or grammar. But ugly in the sense that its nasty and borders on hateful.

It’s as though I have this piece of food stuck in my throat that’s just too painful and repulsive to swallow. I hate feeling this way. But, it’s a feeling that’s been steadily growing stronger over time. It’s impacted my writing because the people that have contributed (as well as my own thoughts and external circumstances) that these feelings have stemmed from may very well read this. I’m not afraid of letting them know I feel this way because I already have let them know in person instead, I’m ashamed that this feeling has taken over my thoughts so much so that it’s reached this ugly state. Because of this, my brain won’t let me write anything else, this is my next piece of writing and it can’t be anything else.

If I were to visualize these ugly emotions I talk about, I picture a black beast swirling with energy or a glass orb with black energy threatening to spike outwards, shattering the casing. It’s a violent picture.

I’m at the point where I’m changing my behaviour so that these thoughts no longer materialise but, that doesn’t stop the already existent, ever present ugliness from surfacing. It’s bitter and possesses a vengeance that doesn’t often surface in me. The problem is, who I am doesn’t let the monster fully free – I admit, it sneaks through sometimes – however, the full brunt of it never occurs leaving behind the remainders that plague everything.

I’m at a loss. These feelings exist, are unresolved and frankly, I don’t know how to make them go away. I’ve confronted the causes, and can’t think of another way to exterminate these thoughts.

Even now I’m huffing from frustration that the weight of these thoughts have on my mind. I thought writing this would help me find answers but it’s just bring up accusations that don’t belong where I’m putting them. I feel this way yes, apart from the fact that I as the connecting party must also take responsibility.

It’s a constant fight between the two. If I feel this way but accept that I am at fault as well, surely it should melt away as other thoughts such as these have?

It would seem not.

The only explanation I could possibly give is that there are just too many instances with too many people that have occurred to simply accept and move on. If this is the case, once again, I don’t know where to go from here.

Am I supposed to change who I am?

Who knows?

Not me that’s for sure…

Until next time,

A slightly lost but still, very much so

Unapologetically Molly

Remember: Check Yourself

Remember: Check Yourself

Reflection is an imperative facet of managing mental health. I once was offered the advice to take a self-inventory. Reflect on your past actions, both the good and the bad, admit when you have done wrong immediately and frankly then, learn and move forward. The following is my evening’s reflection.

Evening,

I have spent the day’s entirety cleaning my soon to be non-home from top to bottom. Rigorously rubbing marks off of walls, hoovering up dust mites, meticulous mopping – I think you know the drill. Boring activities that are necessities.

Yesterday was spent pretending that I would eventually do all the things I have done today. Twiddling away time with film after film until my brain and body were so numb that it felt as if I had in fact completed the required activities when I had so obviously (from the state of the house) had not. I know lie in my bedroom, quite comfortably I may add, surrounded by wonderfully scented, glowing candles. One in particular smells of ‘vanilla caramel butterscotch’ and, would you believe, burns and crackles like a wood firewood. It is comforting, to say the least. Playing on my record player is a choral soundtrack labelled, ‘Songs of Joy’. I picked this record up from an op shop quite some time ago and it has been sitting on my record shelf for a long while. Each song seems to be equipped with a full choir and organ and I must admit, I feel quite ridiculous listening to it, however, it is bringing me joy (as a record labelled, ‘Songs of Joy’ should).

Things have quietened down. Work is finished for a Christmas break, Miles is busy working a new job, trying to earn money for a new car and everyone else seems to be simply floating in and out of my subconscious. My aim for this next week is to begin pulling people back into my focus. I described today that I feel as if I am living on a stage and am just waiting for people to walk on from the wings. No more. No more waiting for people to come, instead, I need to work on bringing people to me and making myself available to people.

With the new year fast approaching I can’t help but once again think about what I would like to accomplish in the next year. Hopefully, I will be able to save some solid money once moving back in with my parents and then I will be able to venture back out again with my own place. I will aim to travel once again this year, this time to Asia (I hope).

I have many other hopes that I don’t think I am quite ready to share or even write down as they are close to my heart and often hard for even myself to acknowledge, especially since I am not even sure they are what I want or lead me to who I want to be.

Until next time,

Unapologetically Molly xoxo

Managing Mental Health

Managing Mental Illness
With a specific focus on bipolar disorder.

After living with bipolar on medication since I was diagnosed, I came off my medication and have been self managing for two months. Now at the two month mark with no real research done before it (only the laid foundation for successful mental health from a previous psychologist), I have now begun to conduct research and believe I should be reviewing my findings. To begin my review I’d like to examine the original foundations I was given and check in on where I am with them. In no particular order (for they are all balanced quite equally):

Sleep

As a previously diagnosed insomniac of whom, used to take medication to help it. I would say, that my sleep is actually pretty good. I try to make sure I am in bed, ready to sleep by 10pm at the latest. Sometimes I will slip and stay up until 11 pm or 12pm however this is nowhere as bad as it used to be (2am-4am). It no longer takes me an hour plus to get to sleep instead, it is now a maximum of twenty or so minutes. In my mind, this is a vast improvement and is still being conducted successfully.

Diet

Overall, I never did eat too badly. It was more that I would over eat or not eat too much. Now, I have begun to make a habit of finishing a meal before I am over full and then packing it up for the next day. To manage my diet properly, I need to pre-prepare meals so that a balanced , portioned meal is already waiting for me if I don’t feel like making or eating anything.  At the moment, I am failing a bit at this as I am letting my stress and depressive state get the better of me. I need to instead, go home, cook up a big meal and pack it all up. To help me eat breakfast more often I have also brought muesli into work. This way if I forget to eat before leaving for work, I have no excuse for not eating breakfast at all as there is breakfast at work. However overall, I need to work on creating a better discipline in following a balanced diet to help with my moods.

Exercise

Even when on medication I never really did exercise. I mean sure, I used to dance but that was once a week and sometimes I wouldn’t go. Now, I rock climb as much as I can however, my goal is to rock climb twice a week at least. I made sure to buy a year membership to make myself accountable for this and to ensure that I follow through with this. Sometimes it is hard because I don’t feel like exercising and I have to force myself to do it. Most of the time afterwards I feel better but not always. I think this is tied in to diet especially as, if I am in a low mood, don’t feel like climbing and do but don’t have the psychical fuel to do so then I can’t really expect to feel better afterwards can I? I am practically just exhausting both my body and mind with no fuel to revive me.  

These are the three basic foundations. Now, after reading a study performed on a group of people with bipolar that are using alternate methods to medication to manage themselves I now want to review the various paths they use (and I also use). Appendix 1  (stolen from the study: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0165032714007794) shows the thought process for alternates to medication. It follows three basic self check questions that are positioned at the end and are the triggers to whether you should begin the cycle trial again or consider reusing medication. These questions are:

Am I Worried About The Consequences? – If Yes, Consider Medication or trying different paths, if no, try different paths.

Did The Strategies Work? – If Yes Check The Below Question, If No Check The Question Above

Do The Strategies Fit With Ideas About Myself And My Moods?

Capture.PNG1.PNG

The questions are all in regards to whether or not the various strategies you are trying have worked and if so, do they match your ideas and ideals of who you are. Now, the cycle doesn’t actually specify any alternate paths you can try however later in the study there is a table of alternate methods. I have compiled my own list below (Appendix 2). This is definitely a work in process and its interesting to explore the many options that the world holds.

Alternate Used? Successful/Unsuccessful Comments
Doing more exercise Yes Success Must have diet correct for optimum success
Eating Well Yes Success Much discipline and planning needed for me
Being Self Employed No N/A
Only Having Short Contact With Triggering People No N/A I think this may help however it would be hard for me to detach myself from people I care about
Trying to avoid stress Yes Both Sometimes stress finds me however implementing a good attitude towards stress often helps avoiding stress
Making Time With Partner Yes More Successful Than Unsuccessful Must be careful not to take on there pain or use them for emotional support too much or use them for sex as an outlet
Making a list and systematically working through it Yes Success This is unbelievably helpful
Spending More Time on Creative Tasks Yes Success Very helpful, even if it ends up as a mush of colours
Gardening Yes Success
Self-medicating With Alcohol Yes Unsuccessful Makes you feel shit, period.
Pampering (makeup, hair etc.) Yes Success I consider this a mixture of a creative outlet as well as a way of mentally and physically revamping myself
Changing perception of unpleasant thoughts Yes Success Often difficult but very rewarding
Setting more work to do Yes Both Sometimes can become overwhelming, pairing with a list helps this though
Lighting scented oils, incense or candles Yes Yes Creates a pleasant atmosphere for positive thoughts
Going to a gallery No N/A Would be good I think, often we can see ourselves in art which may help understand thoughts and moods
Spending time with a pet Yes Success Often calming and refreshing as they are a being much separated from the shallow worries of the world
Reflecting Yes Success
Asking a friends opinion and advice Yes Both Sometimes its hard to hear what they have to say
Using a mood tracker Yes Unsuccessful Not my style
Compare my current mood to Winnie the Pooh characters No N/A I actually think this would help… as tigger would perhaps be a high, and pooh sad would be depression? Not sure…
Meditation Yes Success
Time off work Yes Success if used to organise self
Letting myself ride out the high Yes Success if done correctly If partnered with meditation and creating it is good
Spending Money Yes Temporarily Dangerous, not good in the long run
Partying Yes Unsuccessful Not healthy as a constant, fun sometimes if done controlled
Swimming in the ocean Yes Success Floating is a type of therapy that seems to let everything just float away

I am feeling good at the moment. I’m in the process of resetting and laying foundations for the future which I like. I just have to make sure to remain in the present and enjoy the everyday as well. The feature image that goes with this is a tattoo I’m considering.  It is the female form with a mushroom for a head and it symbolises that even in the darkest of times or places, things are still able to grow (you are able to grow in your darkest moments). I hope you enjoy.
Until next time xoxo

Unapologetically Molly

 

Let Us Revisit: Unapologetically Molly

I am unapologetically myself. For me, this means I accept who I am with my faults and strengths and reflect on myself to reach the person I want to be. In the past, I have relied on many things to shape myself. These have included friends, family, boyfriends, mental illness and medicating. At present, I now rely on the instincts within me to shape who I am today. While this is based off of the teachings throughout my eighteen years, it is now predominantly self reflection that guides me.

One of the main factors of why I started living by ‘unapologetically Molly’ was because I was aiming to reach the perfection that I believed others wanted me to be. As well as this, it was also to match the people I had placed on a pedestal in my mind. After years of striving to be other people’s best I reached the conclusion that I simply needed be my best. And, if my best at any present moment happened to be my worst – that was more than ok.

At the moment, I’m beginning to once again sink into the abyss. I’m keeping my head above water as well as I can through diet, exercise and sleep but I’m slipping just that smidge too much. My brain is toing and froing the friendships and relationships I currently have. I think this is due to the fact that we are nearing the new year and a new space in life and I feel that if I continue on the thread that I have been I will become someone that is not who I am supposed to be.

Because of this, I have to make some pretty tough decisions that are weighing down my mind greatly. While at this fragile time I am also in the midst of starting new activities and relationships that seem right and fill me with a renewed vigour. Perhaps this is simply due to the fact I am opening up different parts of myself yet to be reached before.

As I live and love those around me I have realised that I am bending over backwards to try and please and console others. Leaving a shell of myself behind. As I move into this new space in time I can feel this part of me struggling and beginning to feel guilty as my inner self is trying to work on itself for a change and branch out and so, that part of me is a great weight.

It is curious the way that my mind continues to work through these problems and as it would seem, sometimes it simply doesn’t want to do this. It is something a new friend said to me that highlights this:

The brain is the enemy.

To expand on this; the brain is the enemy because it sends you signals that want what is sometimes not best for you. It drags you down and tells you to give up, that you don’t want to do this, to do dangerous things, to feel pleasure that sometimes should not be felt.

So if our brain, our primary organ that is supposed to run our body is the enemy, who is the ally? Our other organs simply receive, it is the brain that runs the show – or is it? I have reached a point where my brain tells me not to do things, to not do the exercise I know will be good for me, to not meet with the people that I know will help me. Yet, still I do these things because there is something else pushing and driving me. I honestly believe this is the soul.

My soul cries out for me to do the things that it knows will help me, that it knows will help me rise and succeed in life. It constantly engages into battles with my brain. I want this no more. I need my brain and soul to work together cohesively instead of the constant brawling.

Engaging the mind and soul together doesn’t even sound easy. So, if it doesn’t even sound easy how am I expected to manage it?! I suppose the best thing I can do is try. Try to rationally manage what I ‘should’ be doing (although I have been told by many mental health professionals NEVER to should), with what my soul calls me to do. Afterall, what we should be doing is often what our minds have been conditioned by society to think and do. Sometimes, there is nothing wrong with these shoulds yet, there are times when these shoulds do not match with who we are or desire to be. I believe it is about finding the balance between these self-approved ‘shoulds’ and our internal compasses.

Today I will leave it at that, until next time xox

Unapologetically Molly